I just had an amazing healing experience. I would call it a real breakthrough, and I want to share it with you in hopes that it might help you too. It started as a physical injury and symptoms, but it ended as a spiritual and emotional experience connecting my mind, body, and soul. That’s when real healing occurs.
Here’s what happened. I’ve had problems with my right shoulder for years. I’m really not sure what I did to it, although I think it might go all the way back to an incident in childhood. At any rate, it hurt, especially to do certain things like take my shirt off or do my hair. That’s a problem called impaired activities of daily living, which left me feeling like an old lady. I also blamed myself and felt like a failure number one that I didn’t even know what was wrong with it, and number two that I couldn’t fix it by myself. I’m a doctor for crying out loud.
Eventually, I admitted I needed help. I saw several different professionals, each one had their own ideas about what was wrong and suggestions to fix it. I faithfully (okay, I somewhat faithfully) followed all the recommendations for exercises and therapies. Each helped a little or for a while, but never seemed to get to the root of the problem.
Friday, I got up early in the cold and dark, while it seemed the rest of the world was still sleeping, to go to another therapy session. This time, we went deeper than we ever had before. It hurt, but in my heart I knew we were finally getting close to the root of the problem. Just like when you finally find that big, deep, tap root on the stubborn weed in your garden and pull it out and it feels so satisfying.
The physical pain was pretty intense and the tears started coming, but I let them. I breathed into it, leaning in and feeling the pain, not shrinking back or trying to hide from it. All of this was possible because I felt safe, and I trusted the person working on me. Then she had me turn over so she could work on the front of my chest and shoulders. She placed my shoulders in an open position and said, “This is home.” Suddenly the flood gates opened. Tears poured down my cheeks, running into my ears, soaking my hair. I realized with absolute clarity that all the physical pain, constriction, and guarding were manifestations of my deepest fear – fear of failure and my life long striving for perfection. I chose to stay present with both the physical and emotional sensations. What had started as pain washed away with the tears, leaving freedom, ease and NO PAIN! The physical pain was gone. I could move my shoulders and neck without grinding and crunching and discomfort. I felt a couple inches taller.
The physical release was just the beginning of the breakthrough however. I recognized that I must, I get to, I choose to accept myself just as I am, with perfectionistic tendencies, fear of failure, and a desire to control everything and everyone around me. A wise coach said I must learn to accept what I’m not as well as what I am. I’m not perfect and that’s okay. I’m afraid of failure and that’s okay.
Now I realize healing and wholeness is a journey, not a destination. I have a whole life time of physical and mental patterns (habits) that no longer serve me to work on letting go of. There will be ups and downs in the journey and that’s okay too. Before I opened my eyes or looked outside I knew it was getting light and a new day was dawning. As I got in my car to drive away, a song came on the radio talking about Freedom and my chains being gone. Indeed, I am a Free Woman!
Dr Loy
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